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As I was reading about creating healthy relationships with
in-laws and extended family all I could thing was, “Well, we certainly did that wrong!” Not that my husband and I
don’t have good relationships with our in-laws, we do, but we did almost everything
they caution against!
In the chapter I read this week was a quote from Spencer W.
Kimball. In that he said,
“Couples do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side.” (Harper and Olsen, 2005 p.328)
Yep, that’s where we went wrong.
My husband and I met in college. We met within the first few
weeks of school, we were engaged by Christmas break, and we got married the
following August. (Yes, I know that’s a long engagement by Mormon standards. We
should’ve gotten married in May with everyone else who got engaged that year!)
While we were engaged, we decided that we wanted to attend the family ward
rather than the married student ward after we got married. It was great and we
didn’t have to deal with the constant, “Are you pregnant yet?” from everyone
else. But, it was the same ward his family was in; the same ward he grew up in.
His parents only lived a few blocks away. Even after we moved into a rental
house a few years into our marriage, we were still in the same ward.
Now, my in-laws did a great job of trying not to smother us
or anything, but I had a hard time making friends in the ward because we were
always with his parents at any church function. Thinking back, it was really
hard. Most holidays were spent with them because we were poor college students
and most years we couldn’t afford to do anything else. We even had every Sunday
dinner at their house! Not that I didn’t enjoy that, heck I prefer someone
else’s cooking over almost any other meal! But it did put a damper on us
working out our own couple dynamic.
For the first 12 years of our marriage we lived there, in
the same town, same ward as my in-laws. Even so, there were bumps along the
way. My husband’s brother got married 7 months after we did. He had been a rebellious
teenager and turned his life around to get married in the temple, which was
great, but kind of stole our thunder as the newlyweds. I’m not sure how my
husband felt, but I got the impression that we weren’t as important when they
were around. That feeling lasted when, after they moved away and had kids, we
would get impression that we weren’t as welcome when they and their kids were
visiting. Not that anything was said to that effect, just the feeling that we
should not come over as often when they were in town…and definitely not
uninvited!
After living with that for 12 years, my husband (finally!)
graduated from college and we moved on to our “real” life…moving to the same
ward my parents lived in. Yep, we
obviously don’t learn! We actually only lived in their ward (and in their house
for about 10 months) for 2 years, but even after purchasing our home, we were
still close enough that we got together frequently. I think, because we did not
live by them for the first 12 years we were married, our relationship was
better (especially my husband with my dad) because we were able to have that
time to be more independent of my parents. My parents seemed to realize that we
had our own lives and may not always be there when they desired. We did still
do Sunday dinners with them but it was on more equal footing. One week we would
go to their house, one week they’d come to our house.
Last year, my parents moved to Phoenix. Now we really have
to be independent! There is no one around to lean on anymore. It only took us
almost 23 years of marriage to get to that point!
Now, we are entering a different phase of life. Our oldest
son turns 22 next week, has returned from his mission and is enjoying school at
BYUI and our 19-year-old daughter is enjoying her first year at BYU. They could
be making us in-laws sooner than we may wish. This chapter has been great in
making me think of all the things I should or should not do when that happens.
This week we read chapter 37, “Creating healthy ties with
in-laws and extended families” by J. M. Harper and S. F. Olsen, out of the book
Helping and Healing our Families. Some
quotes that I want to remember as I am entering this new phase of life include,
“Strong marriages are built by what couples choose to do once they are married and by what parents and siblings on both sides do to help support them.” (p. 331)
“It is important for parents-in-law to find ways to personally build relationships with their children-in-law as individuals…The burden of acceptance rests with parents-in-law in these situations. Children-in-law want nothing more than to be accepted and respected.” (p. 331)
“Gloria Horsley listed five things that every parent-in-law should avoid. They are giving advice, criticizing, pinning down children-in-law as to the specific reasons they are missing a family event, criticizing or taking over the disciplining of grandchildren, trying to control everyone and everything including children’s beliefs, and unclear and indirect communication. Conversely, when parents-in-law do things right, their influence is remembered and felt long after they are gone.” (p. 332)
I hope that I will be able to be an in-law who respects my
children’s relationships with their spouses and their other extended families.
If our families are going to be forever, we had better learn to get along now.
Reference
Harper, J. M., & Olsen, S. F. (2005) Creating healthy
ties with in-laws and extended families. In C. H. Hart, L. D. Newell, E.
Walton, & D. C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping
and Healing our Families (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book
Company
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